21

I am actually very proud of what I managed to accomplish this year. I feel like I have lived more within this year than I ever had before. While battling depression and social anxiety for 5 years (but also basically my whole life prior that)  I felt like I was asleep the whole time, my life was put on stand-by.

And still in this state of mind I managed to pass my maturita exam thus finish high school and get a half-time job in a theater.

And that was the breakthrough. Within the first month of working I managed to slip out of depression with almost no residue and 100% ditched social anxiety. I also managed to learn two super important skills: to say no and to say fuck you, in layman’s terms, to stand my freakin ground. Suddenly things felt both easy and terribly difficult, because I had to catch up on those five years AKA times when most students make the most important decisions.

Choosing school was the hardest thing. I was absolutely clueless about what I wanted to do for living and I even contemplated not going to college and working instead. Thank god, that did not work out.

I jumped from wanting to be a graphic designer to a scenographer to an artist and finally landed on the thing I wanted to do my whole freaking life.

If it wasn’t for my colleague in the theater I would have never known this option was a thing. I’m so thankful to her.

While being torn about how to make myself useful now, I organized shitload of meetups for quite a big group of people, a thing, which I am definitely proud of. A year before that I’d never be able to do such a thing, mainly because I could not handle a simple phone call.

I also started being fully interested in history of fashion and fell completely in love with 1920’s.

By that time my boyfriend, Alex, went to the US to study and I realized that long-distance relationships are super hard if you have already been with the person before, but not unmanageable.

And then I postponed my studying for the entrance exams until the week before the exams and I stressed the fuck out, studied about 12 hours a day nonstop and passed that motherfucker.

Getting into college that is said to have one of the most difficult entrance exams was a clear sign to me that I have finally mastered my life and finished my battle with depression.

Seriously, this year was so hasty, so many wonderful and really stressful things happened, but here I stand now, excited for what the next one will bring.

purpleherald:

tagged by the babe

1. What’s your name? Tara

2. When is your birthday? 21 september

3. Where are you from? Prague, Czech Republic

4. Have a crush? Isn’t it obvious by now.

5. What’s your favorite color? Teal, black and vintage pink

6. Write something in caps: FORENSIC PATHOLOGY

7. Got a favorite band/artist? Right now my favourite albums are El Camino by The Black Keys, Ballroom Stories by Waldeck aaaand Lil’ Golden Book by Princess Chelsea

8. Favorite number(s)? 4 and sometimes 6

9. Favorite drink? As of right now malinovka and mineral water

10. Tag 10 people:oh man okay le-aki, flastroush, batbiscuit, grenadierfifer, maybeitsavirus, lethargicnectomancer, merrymoremeat aaaand that’s it sorry i don’t know who else to tag that i personally know :c

Bored? Bold what applies to you..

electricr3d:

You are in high school.
You dropped out of high school.
You live within 20 minutes of your best friend(s).
You don’t have a best friend.
You live within 20 minutes of the last person you kissed.
You live within 20 minutes of your ex.
You have hugged someone in the last 48 hours.
You have been to the movies within the last week.
You have had 3 or more boyfriends/girlfriends just this year.
You have been a designated driver. 
You have broken merchandise and not paid for it.
You have played strip poker.
You are Catholic. 
You are atheist.
You recycle regularly.
You are a brunette.
You have dated a blonde.
You are friends with a redhead.
You are taller than your mum.
You are taller than your dad.
You have a bank account.
You’ve written a check for less than $5.
You have visited the Statue of Liberty.
You have visited the Eiffel Tower.
You have visited Big Ben.
You have visited the Colosseum.
You have visited The Great Wall of China.
You have never been out of the country.
You have been a waiter/waitress.
You own a Bible.
You own something with a Pentagram on it.
You have used a Ouija Board.
You have been a witch for Halloween. 
You have been a zombie for Halloween.
You have your eyebrow pierced.
You have a Monroe piercing.
You have your nose pierced.
You have no tattoos. 
You have more than 2 tattoos.
You straighten your hair occasionally.
You have worn a dress in the last 3 days.
You live somewhere that gets snow.
You celebrate Hanukkah.
You were at your own house last New Year’s.
You were at a bar last New Year’s.
You slept through last New Year’s.
You have worked on Christmas Eve.
You have worked on Christmas.
You have been told ‘I love you’ by someone today.
You were told by someone who’s not family.
You slept in your own bed last night.
You regret kissing the last person you kissed. 
You are wearing a necklace right now.
You are wearing something red.
You are wearing something blue.
You are wearing something purple.
Your phone number ends with an even number.
You have kissed the last person you called/texted.
You are currently listening to music.
You are waiting for something.
You don’t like seafood.
You have eaten deer sausage.
You have given a complete stranger your phone number.
You have been hit on at work.
You have been hit on by someone more than 20 years older than you.
You have been whistled at.
You were creeped out by it.
You are a good speller.
You are very punctual. (i try really hard)
You were dating someone in December of 2008.

You are still dating that person.
You have cheated on someone
You have been on a cruise ship.
You have camped out in your own backyard.
You are wearing something that doesn’t belong to you.
You are a Pisces.
You are an Aquarius.
You are a Leo.
You wonder what will happen when you die.
You are afraid of the dark.
You write in all capital letters. 
You have been told you have nice handwriting.
You have had a song written for you.
You have had a picture drawn of you. 
You have curly/wavy hair. (when it’s longer)
You are wearing a watch.
You are wearing flip flops.
You wouldn’t date someone who smoked.
You know someone with the same birthday as you.
You are a morning person. 
You are a night owl.
You slept in past 10 am today.
You have big plans for next weekend. 
You are thinking of someone right now.
Your job is stressing you out.
You don’t have a job.
You have never had a job.
You were fired from your last job.
You know sign language. 
You will usually try something at least once.
You have been swimming in the last month.
You are pessimistic by nature.
You have taken a ballet class. 
You have taken karate. 
You have taken gymnastics.
You wish on shooting stars.
You wish at 11:11. 
Your birthday has already come this year. 
You have been in a relationship that lasted longer than a year.
You aren’t over your ex.
You have gone after someone you knew was bad for you.
You have let someone use you.
You were/are a teenage mom. 
You are an otaku.
You are a cosplayer.
You were named after someone. 
You like your name. 
Your last drink was water.
You have visited somewhere said to be ‘haunted’.
You have skipped school just because you didn’t feel like going.
You have taken medicine when you ‘feel a headache coming on’.
You are self-conscious about your body.
You have a hangover
You have a pet fish.
You have had a Jehovah’s Witness show up at your house.
You have godparents. (i have a godfather, who is my step brother!)
Your parents are still married.
You have step-siblings.
You are the oldest. 
You are adopted.
You have a triplet
You don’t want kids.
You want more than four kids.
You have a bad temper.
You have made out with a complete stranger.
You usually make the first move in an intimate situation.
You have broken your arm.
You have had to get stitches on your face.
You have had an MRI.
Your fingernails are painted.
You like to draw.
You like to sing.
You can play an instrument.
You keep a lot of secrets from people.
You don’t think people would accept you if they really got to know you.
You don’t trust people easily.
You borrowed something you really need to give back to someone.
You drive a car older than a 2002.
You have lost a friend you never thought you would.
You know a child who died of cancer.
You know a teenager who died in a car wreck. 
You have done something illegal in the past 24 hours.
You have cut your hair in the last week.
You wear glasses.
Your favorite season is Autumn.
Your favorite color is orange.
Your favorite animal is a dolphin.
You last rode in a car with a relative.
You last rode in a car with a girl/woman.
You last rode in a car with the person you are dating. 
You regularly watch Asian dramas.
You love Chinese food.
Your best friend is older than you.
You have to go to school/work tomorrow.
You answered every question truthfully.

methvevo:

should i message them again or am i just being really clingy and annoying: a life story by me

You let the depression linger but you don’t let it fully control you. That’s how I have been feeling lately.

I feel like I am burdened with a shadow. Nicotine and alcohol helps, but I need to snap out of this because I can feel how easily this could slip into drinking and smoking problems. But hey, at least I know why I feel like shit. I ain’t even crying, shaking, I am capable of doing stuff, I just can’t enjoy things fully again and I’m starting to feel really introverted again and it’s the most bullshit thing ever. But I guess it comes with every stress filled times.

The irony of this all is that I’m depressed because of my depression. Seriously. Because only now I have fully started seeing the impacts of struggling with it for 4 years. I feel like those 4 years never even existed, like I was asleep, away. People decided what they wanted to do in life, people tried their hardest to get the best grades at school so applying to college could be easier. People decided which schools to go to, or they decided what job they currently want to do. They continued being in touch with the world around them.

I fucked up. I feel like I just woke up and I was expected to have all the things that everyone else managed to get done during the 4 years, done.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

Oh yeah and I am also depressed because I had been studying for 12 hours a day for a week and now it’s over and I feel like I have no meaning.

Please, be patient with me, this will pass. This will pass soon. I just have to take care of my health, in the meantime.

I really like going through my selfies album because there is only three categories of pictures.

Me as 1920’s hot/cute stuff,

me and my cat,

and pictures I mostly don’t remember taking but which probably describe me the best.

No more, no less.

dyeric:

let me seduce you with my knowledge of serial killers

Health status update:

Still in pain. Doctor said she had no idea what’s wrong with me and what to do, so she gave me some fucking herbal drops. I am tired of this. Really tired. Also really in pain.

ghostalebrije:

comicshans:

oops

literally me, ask anyone

ghostalebrije:

comicshans:

oops

literally me, ask anyone

Four snapshots of my cat Truí being really high tired.

BASICS:

name: Tara
birthday: 21 september
zodiac: virgo
single or taken: taken
height: no idea but pretty short
eye color: green i guess?
middle name: Beatrice
favourite color(s): Teal, black, vintage pink
lucky number: 4

SPECIFICS/DETAILS:

Hogwarts house: Slytherin
favorite fictional character: currenlty prubably M. Gustave from The Grand Budapest Hotel
favorite television show: Hannibal
favorite season: Spring
describe yourself in a few words: talking to stranger 4eva
future children’s names: how the fuck should i know
meaning of your name: pure,holy
ultimate otp: DDPI
what do you plan to/do for a living: I have no fucking idea
starbucks / Tim Hortons order: gingerbread lattee

THIS OR THAT:

introvert or extrovert: I’m still not sure about this one
dawn or dusk: Both!
righty or lefty: righty
coffee or tea:
ice tea
rain or shine: shine shine shine
reading or writing: both

My first ever dandelion chain which is a bit too small but it still makes me happy.

My first ever dandelion chain which is a bit too small but it still makes me happy.

Okay so those of you who don’t know, I have been really sick and getting progressively worse and worse for like two, three weeks now.

Today feel so tired and sick that breathing is so exhausting it’s almost painful. I still have to go to work in an hour and pretend everything is okay until i come back home and collapse to bed.

This is the first time I’m seriously looking forward to go the doctor’s to get my blood taken and finally getting to know what is wrong with me. Just one more day, I have to survive one more day.

I was bullied in elementary school for my looks and slowly started to agree with the bullies, I wasn’t able to call myself other than hideous until I was 18, I desperately hated the way I looked and tried to hide all of my imperfect features from the world, I was insecure about my appearance even when I started feeling slightly better about myself …

… and now I have got over 90 notes on a set of pictures with my face in all of them, wearing a style I wasn’t sure anyone except for me would like. It feels really nice. It’s a gigantic middle finger to all of my insecurities and painful memories from elementary school. And anyone who would call me ugly.

So thank you. :)

Being an adult

What I can handle:

  • paying bills
  • taking care of an entire apartment
  • being both active on the internet and socially active
  • calling a stranger on the phone
  • going to work on time
  • being responsible

What I can’t handle:

  • being in a hallway without any light
  • not checking under the bed for monsters
  • not opening my eyes in the middle of washing my face to check if there is no serial killer behind me